Death of a Brother



March 21, 2013

Growing up the youngest of six, five boys and an oldest sister, I was always looking up to someone.  It shaped my life and influenced many of my decisions.There was a lot to live up to; class presidents, baseball stars, football heroes, church soloists, class play leads, Christian college alumni, pastors, worship leaders, and even 7-day-a-week paperboys.

I absolutely loved to play baseball.  Yet, when I walked into Mr. Jordan’s, also the baseball coach, class in 10th grade and he said, “Ah, Kesselring.  The last of the Mohicans.  Gonna see you out on the ball field this spring?”  I made a snap decision to never, ever, play baseball in high school. That’s just one of my regrets.  There were other regrets.  That’s one of the big ones though.

As much time as I spent resenting them, I also spent being jealous of them and idolizing them. My sister seemed to lead one of the coolest existences being in charge of museums in Tennessee.  Guess who volunteered at the local museum after that?  And oh, man could my brothers sing, and so effortlessly.  I finally garnered the courage to sing at church and received the kudos of the old ladies and requisite pinches on the cheek, but I knew it wasn’t anything like they could do.

Well, I finally grew up and made it somewhat out of their shadows, until today.  Today we had the funeral of the middle brother, Zane.  I get it.  Our parents have passed.  It’s our turn, but 56? Today was a tough day, esp


*It’s been over a year since I started this post.  Obviously, I didn’t finish it.

August 20, 2014

I’ve made a lot of changes since Zane died.  I went to the doctor for a complete physical and all the heart tests they would give me.  I went to a dermatologist to have my skin mapped to keep an eye on all those suspicious spots.  Had another even more invasive cancer screening.

About a week before Zane died, I was around 20 miles away picking up a motorcycle.  It was cold.  I didn’t want to ride home 2 hours in the cold AND the dark, so I headed home instead of taking a couple of hours to swing by and visit.  Small decision at the time.  Logical.  Obviously the thought that it was the last chance to see my brother never crossed my mind.

Then the accolades started.  People from everywhere and many walks of life talked about how wonderful, kind, and giving Zane was.  It really made me reflect on myself and how I knew no one would have that to say about me.  I didn’t even have an hour and a half to go see my brother.  That brought about another change I decided to make. I was not going to be selfish with my time any longer.  It’s a work in progress.

No matter how old I become, I’m still the baby of the family.  I’m still looking up to my siblings. Anyone who knew Zane would know that he would find it humorous that he had become an idol of mine, someone I wanted to be like. Well, except for that Burgman he rode.


Mark 4:19 And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.

What is it in your life that’s choking the Word?  What’s keeping you from sharing your love and your time with others?  Fix it.  It will be too late one day.